Should I stay or should I go, a total mind f&%k!

Addiction rocked my loved ones world and I got shamed for staying.

An extra thing that I had to navigate was being shamed for staying and supporting my husband during his darkest days.

There was something in me that had to continue to support and be with him, because even though I knew addiction was heavy - and in those days, I had immense judgement around addiction - it didn’t feel right to leave him at his most vulnerable and challenging time. What would this say about me? If he had cancer would I just cut ties and run? Would my children think we just give up when things get hard if they saw me do that, that we give up on our loved one? Maybe I would feel different if this continued for a long time, but this shaming happened within days of all the addiction behaviours coming to light - he was still in hospital….

Now I want to make it clear that I did have loads of beautiful support HOWEVER, there were comments made and suggestions put forward that I should just leave him and walk away. He was actually in a psych ward at the time after attempting to take his life, and I was offered support solely based on me leaving him - meaning the support was there if I left - support with strings attached.

I believe the intentions were in the right place, the offer was made believing if I left then a lot of the problems and hardship I was facing would disappear - a nice sentiment but extremely off the mark!

What I have learned as I have begun to understand trauma and the way we behave, is quite often we operate from a state of making ourselves feel better and not necessarily supporting the person who is going through the challenging time in ways that help THEM feel better. We can operate from a place of “I really want to fix everything for you because I am in pain, in discomfort, watching you in pain and if you do what I suggest, then I will feel better”.

The irony of looking back and understanding this, is this is how I showed up for so long ‘supporting’ my husband. I wanted to fix him so I felt better - of course I also wanted him to be well - but primarily I was in fear and needed to feel safe. How is that for a realisation!!

The thing about being in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction is whether we stay or go, we need to make the right decision for US. For some leaving is right, for some staying is right - working out what is right is YOUR choice, not anyone else’s….

So, if you are reading this and you’re in a place where your loved one is struggling with addiction and you’re not sure what to do, may I suggest not doing anything right now. Instead try to spend some time focusing on you and your needs, learn as much as you can about you and your wounds, really cultivate a beautiful relationship with you. Continue to support your loved one but do it with some boundaries in place and in a way that isn’t completely depleting you! I spent so much time tossing around in my head whether to stay or go and it ended up being a total mind f*&k! It created so much suffering for myself, it made things feel so much harder. Actually focusing on my own wellbeing and giving me some attention rather then solely focusing on saving him, was the best thing I could of done for me at that time (and him!).

It’s not a easy place to find our self in whether it is your partner, child, parent, friend, whoever it is that is struggling with addiction, that is also impacting your life. Just know that we do the best we can at the time and that is all we can do UNTIL we know better.