Lost at Sea

I was drifting along in a dream, or maybe it was a nightmare? Addiction had snuck up and caught me totally unaware and I was barely keeping my head above water. The waves kept coming, some felt like they would obliterate me, some unsteadied me whilst some just kept me moving ever so gently, just enough to stop me from drowning.

Those first six weeks were like sleepwalking. Hubby had been taken to a psychiatric ward and then to a recovery center to be cared for whilst I struggled on at home with our children. Our kids, aged 16, 13 and 9, were both my constant source of hope to push on and also my greatest heartache. Thoughts would consume me wondering how they were really feeling? How had this affected them on a trauma level? Would they recover ok or would this be something that had changed them forever? Had their relationship and connection with their dad been damaged beyond repair? The truth is, we will never really know for how can we really measure it? All I could do was be there for them, be their safe, reliable space as much as I could. To say I was exhausted would be a great understatement.

There is so much no one talks about when it comes to addiction, especially when you are the loved one, standing helplessly on the sidelines, feeling lost, heartbroken, angry, hurt and so, so scared. The fear can consume you. The ‘what ifs’ come as a whisper and then they start to yell so you can’t ignore them, consuming your thoughts especially at night when it is finally quiet. I began to experience anxiety in a way I hadn’t before, panic attacks would creep in and before I knew it I would be shaking uncontrollably, sometimes even throwing up. My body was so dysregulated, it was humming away trying to find peace but there was none to be found.

Addiction impacts every area of your life, it robs you financially, it steals your confidence. It leaves you feeling ashamed and isolated, it impacts your relationships, and it leaves you feeling broken. It keeps you quiet for fear of judgement, it makes you believe life will never ever be happy again and that you must ‘fix’ your loved one - it is your responsibility to save them, to rescue them even if it means you end up drowning.